Traditional roles just work better

This year, though the best of my life, has been really f*cking hard. Being torn away from my son to go to work nearly cost me a nervous break down. And here I am, six months later, and I'm feeling no better. I've bottled up this resentment and anger towards the husband I once loved and appreciated. And now all I could think about it is how angry I am with him about not providing me with something I so desperately need. We talk in circles about this subject and it always goes nowhere. My feeling is that he should step up and provide for his family. He feels it should be 50/50 because that's how we went into it...

But we didn't carry this child in our wombs for nine months. We didn't spend over 30 hours in labor birthing this child.  We did not nurse this child. I did all of those things. I created this special bond and I need to be there to nurture it until he's ready stand on his own two feet.

And so I spit on this idea of the independent working mom idea. It's silly and superficial and counterintuitive. It just makes life harder for those of that want to be home with our children.

Who Needs me More??

Since I've last written, my baby girl has grown quite big. My belly now has that not so glamorous but oh so cute I-swallowed-a-basketball look going. I kinda dig it. The back pain I could do without... 

My due date (Sep. 28th) is quickly approaching-- I'm at 30.5 weeks already! Last week my ob said "I'll see you in two weeks." And that's when it really hit home for me. Now I had butterflies in my belly to go along with the kicks and jabs I get all day from Baby M. 

And it's not only about me becoming a mommy this time. This time L becomes a BIG BROTHER! That's a bit scary. He won't be the baby anymore. A good friend of mine said that L's feet will never look tiny to me again. I cried. I cried for his tiny chubby feet. How could my baby boy grow up? I'm not ready. I still want to rock him to sleep and inhale the smell of the nape of his neck. I'm not ready!

And how will I love Baby M as much as I love L without feeling I've somehow cheated him? How will I give them both all of the love and attention they deserve from their Mommy? I've decided to take the wait and see approach... When I broached this topic with that same friend, she said "It's basically a game of who needs me most at the moment." That got me thinking even more. A few weeks ago I left L alone for about a minute to use the bathroom and when I came out he was standing on a chair with a huge proud look-at-me-mommy grin on his face. The next step would've been to climb onto the glass dining room table and who knows, maybe even jump off of it! And that was a few weeks ago. Today he spent the day climbing in and out of his stroller until I folded it up. Every day my very active little toddler learns a new and dangerous trick. At 17 months, he'll have a whole arsenal of dangerous tricks to surprise me with! As any mom will tell you, a toddler requires constant supervision and a newborn is pretty damn needy too. I'm just hoping she won't spend the first four months of her life the same way her brother did- in the Ergo carrier with a breast in his mouth for several hours a day!

Then there are all of the other things that I will have to do as the SAHM (stay at home mom) while dad goes to work and school. There's the cooking, the cleaning and the massive piles of laundry that seem to spring up overnight. So I wonder... who will need me more? And how often will I get to shower and eat? Sigh.

Mama and Papa

By the time I hit my mid twenties, my desire for a family was overwhelming. The dating and partying was quickly growing old... and then I met L's papa. I even told him on our first date (after a few drinks) that I wanted five kids, and he called the next day to remind me of what I had said! It all went pretty quickly after that... the ring, the house, L and the  'I dos' (in that order). And just like that I had it all. With another beautiful baby on the way in September, I have it all... If only it were that simple...

Things seemed so perfect until all of a sudden they weren't so perfect. I'm left with so many questions... (and so many ellipses). What happens when mama and papa just can't seem to get along? What happens when mama and papa simply coexist for the sake of L and baby to be? What then? Can coexisting work? Does it benefit the children? Or does it eventually just grow sour and fall apart? Can it be fixed? How?

...

From Boys and Bars to Babies and Bottles

"Last night, I was so drunk..." was the precursor to most of my stories. These tales of debauchery were always wildly entertaining (and embarrassing once I sobered up). In my single childless days, I had a propensity for being that crazy girl that made out with girls, danced on tables and had a bit too much too drink. I bit, scratched and clawed my way into the limelight. After all, who doesn't love a little attention and a few flashing cameras. I'd be lying if I said I didn't have fun.

But that was then and this is now. Now most of my stories start with some version of what L did. Last night was a rough night; L was teething and he was up three times. Yesterday L learned how to wave and waved frantically to himself in the mirror. Today I left L diaper free for five minutes and he enthusiastically poop painted his entire crib. I could proudly go on for hours.

And let me be honest for a second. This is where you must expect me to say how much I miss my days of immoral overindulgence. I DON'T. Nothing beats motherhood. Nothing beats the cry of joy and the smile on L's face when I walk through the door after a long torturous day of work. And certainly nothing beats his sloppy open mouthed wet kisses. As much fun as I had, NOTHING beats L. Not even boys, bars and witty banter!